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8 Golfers That Get Us Teed Off
August 2, 2009
Golf is a beautiful game. There’s nothing better than spending a cloudless morning walking on a giant lawn in the warm embrace of the sun. It’s a wonderfully existential activity.
But the fact is, golf would be a lot better if there weren’t so many golfers. What should be a relaxing weekend day away from the rut of life can quickly turn into frustrating, club-snapping aggravation thanks to some of the yahoos out there who treat the course like an extension of their living rooms.
We’ve all seen them. We’ve all been stuck behind them. We’ve all wanted to drive them over with a golf cart.
Me, I’ve kept a list of them. And better yet, I’ve given them nicknames:
Marvelous Marvin Waggler: This is the guy who spends an hour and a half at the tee box going through a pre-shot routine that would make Nomar Garciaparra proud. Between getting his feet settled, a half-dozen practice swings and 23 waggles of the club and his butt, you could easily knit an afghan or get through a few chapters of One Hundred Years of Solitude. What’s worse, his deathly painful slowness often forces you to speed up in order to compensate, which usually screws up your game, too.
Zippy McZig-Zag: Some people shouldn’t be given the keys to a golf cart. Zippy is the guy who drives up to his ball on the lefthand side of the fairway, hits it 10 yards, drives to the opposite side of the fairway so his partner can hit, and then zips back to the left for his next shot. He gets to take in every inch of the course … literally. The end result is a dead cart battery at the end of a round and a five-hour day for the group behind him. Thanks a lot.
Hawkeye: This is the guy who never watches the landing of his own ball, and goes about shouting for its whereabouts to everyone in his group, regardless of where they are or who might be addressing the ball on an adjacent fairway. Dude, if you can’t find it yourself, toss another one out and actually pay attention next time.
The Weekend Warrior: This guy looks like he should be in the PGA in terms of wardrobe and equipment, but he sure doesn’t play like it. He’s spent $2,000 on Titleist blades, the latest TaylorMade drivers and a Tiger Woods shirt, but golf lessons? Bah. Worst of all, you end up getting dirty pulling his endless errant shots out of the bush because he’s apparently afraid to scuff those new FootJoys.
The English Impatient: So you’re in the middle of the fairway waiting for the group ahead of you to putt out, and suddenly a ball goes bounding past you. I guess this is The English Impatient’s way of showing you how great a driver he is, but it’s flat out rude to hit into a group when there’s nowhere to go anyways. What are you going to do, drive ahead of us to your ball and wait for us to play through? My rule of thumb with The English Impatient is that I let him get away with it once. The second time, I’ll mush his ball into the turf. The third time, either the ball is going back or I’m going back to feed him my driver.
PGA Putz: A close relative of Marvelous Marvin Waggler, this is the guy who spends 15 minutes lining up his putt as if sinking it means winning the U.S. Open. He looks at the putt from all four directions, he’s down on all fours, he’s straight-arming his putter. And he doesn’t start this routine until it’s his turn to putt, making everyone else stand and watch the entire production. When it’s a 60-footer for a seven on the scorecard, by the third hour of watching it you’re ready to gnaw on a sand rake.
Ronald Reagan: This is in reference to “the great communicator,” and is the nickname of the guy who just can’t shut up when you’re addressing the ball. I’m not sure what’s so important to yak about while I’m swinging, but it had better be a plea to Gorbachev to “tear down that wall.” Worse yet is Stuttering Reagan, who stops talking in mid-sentence to allow you to swing and then resumes right after contact. How you’re supposed to mentally block out the tail end of that sentence while you’re taking your backswing is a talent I have not mastered.
Dial-A-Cliché: This is the guy who has no real insight to contribute beyond the same, tired lines we’ve all heard a thousand times, including such gems as “That’s on the short stuff,” “You got all of that one,” or my personal favourite: “You’re on the dance floor.” Geez, thanks for the riveting observations there, Johnny Miller.
You see, like driving a car and sharing the road, we’ve all got to share a golf course. So we all need to be a little less self-centered and more observant and respectful of those around us.
It’s a simple game. There’s a ball, a club, and a giant piece of grass between you and the hole. If we focus on the task at hand it makes for a much better experience and lets us all get back to enjoying the precious summer day and that warm sun’s embrace.
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