Which driving character are you?

Nervous Nick: This driver lacks confidence in their driving abilities and is intimidated by traffic and highway speeds. The “Nervous Nick” will always drive at the speed limit or lower and will not accelerate enough to merge safely with highway traffic. They will display moments of indecision when it comes to driving options such as making left turns and when to proceed and how fast.

The Danger: They cause traffic to “rat pack” around them on highways. This leads to multiple lane changes and drivers becoming impatient and making dangerous choices or lane changes. Driving slower than the “flow” of traffic can cause traffic mayhem behind the slower driver as others must negotiate a way around the slow moving vehicle.

Middle Lane Mike: Will head from the on-ramp directly to the middle lane and plant them selves there no matter how slow they drive or who is sitting on their rear bumper. They are convinced this is the best lane to drive in and they are the safest drivers on the road.

The Danger: Traffic will pass on either the right of left sides of this driver causing traffic flow chaos. Large trucks will sit impatiently on their rear bumper trying to intimidate this driver into moving over. They are in danger of causing a crash or being rear-ended. Vehicles moving slowly in the middle lane are like a rock in a stream. They cause turbulence and in this case traffic turbulence.

Overconfident Owen or Arrogant Andy: These drivers are usually driving in an aggressive manner as they are very sure of their capabilities. They are usually speeding and changing lanes often. This aggressive driver feels they are more important than everyone else on the road. All other drivers are just in “their” way and should not be on “their” road.

The Danger: This driver has the confidence and sometimes even the driving talent that will allow them to handle their vehicle while speeding, but when things go wrong they lack the skills to recover or avoid an incident. This driver has confidence that far out strips their “driving smarts” and they make poor choices in their driving situations. They are usually driving too fast for weather and traffic conditions. They often drive an SUV or other large vehicle that adds to their sense of superiority. This driver will tailgate others and try different means of intimidation to get others out of their way. These drivers have been known to pass on the shoulder and lane hop. During the winter months, they are often found in the ditch.

Bored Bobby or Busy Betty: Usually found talking on a cell phone or chatting with passengers. Their mind will be focused on anything but driving safely. Even though they know the distraction of talking on the cell phone is dangerous, they feel their business is more important.

The Danger: This motorist is not paying attention to driving and invariably will end up crashing or cutting someone off. The “Bored Bobby” is just as dangerous as the other drivers on this list. They are not processing all their driving information that will help them make wise driving choices. They are driving distracted which is the leading cause of crashes. After being involved in a crash, they usually cannot figure out what happened.

Solo Sandy: This driver believes they are the only one on the road. They rarely check their mirrors and have no idea other vehicles are near or beside them. You may see this motorist heading down a highway with the only other vehicle in sight directly beside them or in front of them. Also known as “Blinder Billy” as they appear to have blinders on allowing them to only see directly in front of them.

The Danger: Not knowing what is around you in your driving environment is very dangerous. Each driver needs to know what vehicles are in their immediate vicinity to make intelligent lane or avoidance choices. This driver is often hoping others will yield to their lane changes. If they encounter a “Bored Bobby” or a “Busy Betty” the results are usually costly.

Immortal Ivan: Believes no matter what they do behind the wheel, nothing bad will happen to them. When people die in car crashes, it is always going to be someone else, not them. This driving symptom tends to come in the teenage years and can last into middle age if the driver makes it to that age. Too many car crashing video games can exacerbate the problem.

The Danger: Their fearlessness leads to very poor driving decisions and reckless driving. Many younger drivers and their passengers succumb to this syndrome. If “Immortal Ivan” survives, they often age to become an “Arrogant Andy”.

Dangerous Don or Silly Stevie: These drivers believe they know it all about driving. They have been on the road for a number of years and have survived. To them, their experience means they are the best drivers on the road. All those around them are morons or crazy. For drivers like “Dangerous Don”, their frustration with other motorists can lead to high risk driving and poor decisions.

The Danger: Their survival in many ways was a product of luck and not so much skill. One day that luck will run out and the resulting crash will be anyone else’s mistake and not theirs. They will blame the other driver, black ice or anything else since they could not possibly be at fault. Their closed minds mean they will never learn the skills that could keep them from that future crash.

Smart Susie: The rarest of drivers. Understands that driving is the most dangerous daily task they will face and prepares for it. This driver realizes they need to upgrade their driving skills to be prepared for the perils of driving. They focus on the task of driving and are always making driving easier for those sharing the road with them.

The Danger: There are not enough of these drivers on our roads!

1. Accepting A Table That You Don’t Like.

Have you ever found yourself ushered to a table in the dark, gloomy corner of a restaurant, next to a table of screaming children and you thought to yourself: “Oh boy, this is not what I had in mind?” You have every right to ask for a different table. Now at a trendy, sceney place, you may get a hostile reaction: “There won’t be another table for at least an hour.” If that’s the response you get, immediately leave that restaurant: it’s not worth it. If you’re polite about it, though, chances are there’s a better table for you and your evening will be that much better.

2. Listening To Your Server Instead of Your Craving.

Don’t get me wrong: your server is a fabulous resource for finding out what’s good and fresh on the menu. Often a server will espouse their favorite menu items. That’s very helpful, but it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is knowing what you’re in the mood for and sticking to that instinct. So if you’re craving steak and the waiter puts on a whole song-and-dance routine about how much he loves the fish, nod nicely and still order the steak. If it’s a good restaurant, the steak will be as good as the fish.

3. Not Asking Questions.

Where your server does play an important role is in explaining words on the menu that you don’t understand. There’s no shame in asking “what’s quinoa? And am I pronouncing it right?” Clarify a dish before you order it or you may be ordering something that you didn’t really want.

4. Not Thinking The Meal Through From Beginning To End.

If you are getting a steak for your entrée, is it wise to order the bacon-wrapped dates as a starter and then a foie gras terrine as your appetizer? Probably not, unless you want to be carried out on a stretcher. If you’re having a heavy, meaty entrée, order a lighter, more fish-oriented starter. Or a salad. Or, inversely, if you’re getting a lighter entrée, order a heavier appetizer. Think: balance.

5. Ordering A Bottle of Wine When Wine By The Glass Makes More Sense.

If one person orders fish, one person orders steak, one person orders pork and one person orders crayfish risotto, it might be very difficult to choose a bottle of wine that appeals to everyone (and would go well with all that food). So keep things simple and do wine by the glass: one bottle is about four glasses anyway and if you do the math, it often works out the same.

6. Salting Your Food Before You Taste It.

If you’re at a good restaurant, the seasoning, like everything else, is carefully scrutinized by the chef before it reaches your table. Trust, then, that the food is seasoned correctly when you first take a bite. If, a few bites later, it still isn’t doing it for you, by all means, ask for salt.

7. Asking The Kitchen To Leave Off An Element.

I understand that some of you are allergic to mushrooms or zucchini or mushroom-shaped zucchini. Fair enough. But if there’s a dish on the menu that has, as a component, something that you don’t like or that you’re allergic to, you’re better off choosing a different dish than asking them to remove that component. That component is there for a reason: it’s meant to balance out the other elements on the plate and if you throw that balance off, your dinner will be disappointing.

8. Going To The Bathroom Right Before They Serve Your Next Course.

You may not know this, but at many fine restaurants, they carefully watch your table before they bring your food out to make sure everyone is seated. If not, they’ll wait. And if the wait is too long — and this is at the most serious places — they’ll sometimes throw out food that’s gotten cold and re-fire your dishes. How awful! Do the restaurant a favor, then, and go to the bathroom right after they take your food away; don’t wait until just before the next course comes.

9. Sharing One Dessert.

Sure, if you’re on a budget or a diet, sharing one dessert is a fine way to go about things. But if you want to seriously experience a restaurant, you have to give the pastry chef their due: order two desserts and share them. I recommend one fruit-based dessert and one chocolate-dessert, that way you get to experience the best of both worlds.

10. Keeping Your Dissatisfaction To Yourself.

Though it may seem rude, at first, to tell your server that the asparagus frittata was over-salted or that the white wine wasn’t properly chilled, it’s far more galling for a restaurant to read an anonymous review online that complains of these things without a chance for them to correct or address what went wrong. By speaking up, you’re alerting the restaurant to issues that need to be addressed and actually helping them improve their game. Plus, if they’re generous, they’ll make up for things by sending over an extra dessert or refilling your glass, no charge.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning….Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. ‘Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

7) There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… Not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… You just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEKfor cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… All day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… You were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

What makes a great movie insult? Swearing will bump you up a few notches but only if used correctly – profanity should be used sparingly and imaginatively. Personal jibes always go down well, particularly about one’s weight or mother.

But what makes a really winning movie insult is whether it can be used by the every man.

Feel free to roll out any of the following twenty withering put-downs in everyday situations and wait for the kudos to roll in.

20. DODGEBALL (2004)
The insulter: Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn)
The situation: The eccentric Dodgeball coach gives his team a halftime pep talk and doesn’t sugar-coat his instructions. Average Joe’s will be average no longer.
The insult: ”Will someone please catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!”
Why it rules: Paints quite a picture, doesn’t it?

19. WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP (1992)
The insulter: Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes)
The situation: Trash-talking on the basketball court, a number of ‘yo momma’ jokes are thrown around but this one really sticks.
The insult: “I seen your mother kicking a can down the street. I said ‘What you doin’?’ and she said ‘Moving’”
Why it rules: Nothing cuts to the bone like a ‘yo momma’ joke.

18. THE WAY OF THE GUN (2000)
The insulter: Mr. Parker (Ryan Philippe)
The situation: The reserved-yet-deadly criminal for hire gets involved in a slanging match outside a club with a bar patron and his bitch girlfriend.
The insult: “Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head!”
Why it rules: The c-word always wins an argument (especially when directed at a girl).

17. O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? (2000)
The insulter: Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney)
The situation: Escaped convict Ulysses can no longer hide his contempt for his two dim-witted partners.
The insult: “You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Why it rules: Is there any instrument duller than the hammer? Exactly.

16. JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK (2001)
The insulter: Jay (Jason Mewes)
The situation: Upon discovering an internet post flaming his new movie, the stoner decides to retort in his own inimitable style.
The insult: “All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we’re gonna make ‘em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made ‘em eat. Then all you motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.”
Why it rules: You know you’ve read stuff like that on the internet before.

15. THE DEPARTED (2006)
The insulter: Sergeant Dignam (Mark Wahlberg)
The situation: The Boston Police Force set up a stakeout and Dignam gets a little pissed with the attitude of the tech geeks they hired to wire the place up.
The insult: “I’m the guy that does his job. You must be the other guy.”
Why it rules: It’s just one of a slew of insults from Dignam’s acid-tipped tongue. Fuckin’ A.

14. POINT BREAK (1991)
The insulter: Agent Antonio Pappas (Gary Busey)
The situation: The FBI agent reminds a cocksure Keanu Reeves that he’s been around the block a few times.
The insult: “I was taking shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crapping in your hands and rubbing it on your face!”
Why it rules: Keanu Reeves totally did that as a kid.

13. WAYNE’S WORLD (1992)
The insulter: Garth Algar (Dana Carvey)
The situation: The straggly-haired rocker convinces Kurt Fuller’s lackey that his TV producer boss is a douchebag.
The insult: “Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavour, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Why it rules: Imaginative and disgusting – no one would eat ice cream flavoured like pralines.

12. ROXANNE (1987)
The insulter: C.D. ‘Charlie’ Bales (Steve Martin)
The situation: Colossaly-conked Charlie is challenged to think of twenty insults better than ‘Big Nose’. This is the best of the bunch, but “When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?” runs it a close second.
The insult: “Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?”
Why it rules: It reminds us of when Steve Martin was funny.

11. THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991)
The insulter: Joseph ‘Joe’ Hallenback (Bruce Willis)
The situation: When confronted by a street thug, Hallenback defaults to comedy mode to distract him (before smacking him up something neat).
The insult: “Your wife’s so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. If you wanna fuck her, you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in.”
Why it rules: No one writes barbed put-downs like Shane Black (see also #7).

10. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989)
The insulter: Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)
The situation: Not having a happy holidays, Clark reveals his Christmas wish would be to tell his boss the following tirade.
The insult: “You cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor flushing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spineless, worm-headed sack of monkey shit!”
Why it rules: We’ve all wanted to call our boss an asshole, but this is taking it to the next level.

9. ANCHORMAN (2004)
The insulter: Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)
The situation: Ron and his female co-anchor Veronica Corningstone trade insults on the newsroom floor. Hers suck. His don’t.
The insult: “You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Why it rules: Because women really should go back to their homes on Whore Island.

8. SEXY BEAST (2000)
The insulter: Don Logan (Ben Kingsley)
The situation: Nutcase Don is in Spain to convince retired gangster Gal to return to the UK for one more job. Gal likes the Spanish sun too much.
The insult: “You’re the problem! You’re the fucking problem you fucking Dr. White honkin’ jam-rag fucking spunk-bubble!”
Why it rules: Such filth coming from the mouth of Gandhi? Genius!

7. KISS KISS, BANG BANG (2005)
The insulter: Gay Perry (Val Kilmer)
The situation: Dumbass criminal and part-time investigator Harry Lockheart throws Perry’s gun into a lake without realising it is important evidence.
The insult: “Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?”
“A picture of me?”
“No! The definition of the word ‘idiot’, which you fucking are!”
Why it rules: Second-guesses Harry (and the audience) with its logical brilliance.

6. A FISH CALLED WANDA (1988)
The insulter: Wanda Gershwitz (Jamie Lee Curtis)
The situation: Lust object Wanda puts it to Kevin Kline’s kidnapper Otto that he’s not as bright as he thinks he is.
The insult: “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep who could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”
Why it rules: It’s just one of many fine insults in a fantastically written movie.

5. PREDATOR (1987)
The insulter: Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
The situation: After a rumble in the jungle with his intergalactic enemy, Colonel Dutch finally comes face to face with the Predator and dashes his hopes for a snog.
The insult: “You’re one ugly motherfucker!”
Why it rules: No need for witty one-liners here: straight to the point and devastatingly brutal, even for an alien.

4. GET CARTER (1971)
The insulter: Jack Carter (Michael Caine)
The situation: Returning home to find his brother dead in mysterious circumstances, professional killer Jack re-introduces himself to the snivelling Eric.
The insult: “You know, I’d almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow.”
Why it rules: Try and stop thinking about it next time your girlfriend asks if you like her eyes.

3. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
The insulter: Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)
The situation: Having had all he can stand of Scarlett’s whinging and whimpering, Butler puts his bitch on ice.
The insult: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Why it rules: Back in the 1930’s, this was worth a million ‘motherfuckers’.

2. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975)
The insulter: Taunting French Guard (John Cleese)
The situation: Atop his castle, the French guard pours scorn on King Arthur and his “silly kerrniggits”, spitting down vitriol like acid rain.
The insult: “I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed, animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
Why it rules: It’s hard to argue with that sort of reasoning. And he is French.

1. FULL METAL JACKET (1987)
The insulter: Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Ermey)
The situation: Tubster Private Pyle dares break a smile while having his hair dryed by his furious drill sergeant. What followed were the most brutal, most heartless and most downright hilarious insults in movie history. It’s almost impossible to pick one amongst a tirade that lasts several minutes (“You look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose,” “I didn’t know they stacked shit that high,” “Looks to me like the best part of you ran down your momma’s crack and ended up a brown stain on the mattress,” and so on) but pick one we had to…
The insult: “Did your parents have any children that lived?”
Why it rules: Breathtaking in its brevity, it’s an insult so devastating, the recipient kills himself later in the picture.

And the worst movie insult ever…

HAPPY GILMORE (1996)
The insulter: Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald)
The situation: The golf pro attempts to give amateur ball-smacker Happy a verbal beatdown, but fails.
The quote: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”
Why it sucks: The straight-faced reply of “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?” leaves Shooter struggling for an adequate response. “No… I…” Man down. Man down.

I’ve attended my fair share of baseball games over the years and every time I go, I always see some actions by other fans that get under my skin. Some people just don’t know the right way to watch a baseball game. When I go to games with Mrs. Sacks or my brother, I complain about these things constantly. I guess I just can’t understand how people don’t enjoy the game as much as me.

Because of this, I’ve created some rules to inform you less-passionate baseball fans out there the proper way to attend a ball game.

Rule #1: Leaving the game early is not allowed (There are only a few exceptions to this rule)

I cannot understand how people can leave a game early—especially a game that is still in question. How can you watch eight innings of a game and not see the final outcome? That’s like going to see a Broadway play and then leaving during intermission. Don’t you want to see what happens? You paid all this money. Why not get your money’s worth!?

Unlike other sports, there is no clock in baseball. The winning team has to record 27 outs. So technically, no deficit is impossible to overcome. You never know when you could be missing a historic comeback. As a very smart Yankees fan said to me at a game recently, “I don’t leave until I hear Sinatra.” Wiser words have never been spoken

As I mentioned, there are a few exceptions to this rule:

Exception #1: You have small children.
After three hours of sitting in the same seat, your children have probably lost complete interest in the game and are likely misbehaving and annoying the crap out of you. If it’s gotten to this point, you have a free pass to leave the game early.

Exception #2: The game goes into a long rain delay with your favorite team trailing by eight or more runs in the eighth inning on a freezing cold day in April, in which it’s likely the umpires will call the game early.
Those are the only two exceptions. Extra innings, traffic and getting up early are not acceptable reasons for leaving a game early.

Rule #2: Grown men should not bring a glove to the game

If you’re over the age of 18 you should no longer bring your glove to the game. There’s something so emasculating about a grown man sitting in the upper deck, pounding his glove, hoping for a souvenir off the bat of a 20 year-old ball player. I’ve never caught a ball in my life and this bothers me immensely but I’m still not bringing a glove to a game.

I can recall an instance where I probably would have gotten my first souvenir if I had a glove. It was a few years ago and I was in Philadelphia for a Mets/ Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park. We were sitting just to the right of the foul pole in the left field seats.

Prior the game, I made fun of a buddy of mine for bringing his glove to the game. Shortly after, Carlos Gomez (then with the Mets) hit a deep fly ball to left that hooked foul at the last moment. The ball was heading just to my right, about two seats over. I dived over my wife (then girlfriend) and reached out for the ball. It hit off my palm and landed in the hands of the guy behind me. It was a difficult grab to make bare handed but very makeable with a glove. My buddy—seeing an opportunity to get back at me for my earlier comments—said to me, “If you had a glove you would have caught it.” I replied, “Probably. But I still don’t regret it.”

Rule #3 NO PINK HATS!!!

This one I cannot stress enough. Men should not allow their girl to accompany them to the game wearing a pink hat with the logo of their favorite team. This problem is particularly prevalent among perennial winners, such as the Yankees or Red Sox.

If your girl shows up to the game with a pink hat: DUMP HER. It’s like Sonny’s test in “A Bronx Tale”. It’s a sure-fire way to tell if a girl is no good. My last girlfriend before I met my wife wore a pink Yankees hat in my presence. I was furious and demanded she take it off instantly. I should have known at that point it was never going to work out.

Rule #4 If you purchase ice cream during the game, you must purchase it in the souvenir plastic cap. No other type of ice cream purchase is acceptable.

This one seems to a no-brainer to me. YOU HAVE TO eat the ice cream out of the little plastic hat. I can’t really explain it, but it makes ice cream even more enjoyable than usual. I was stunned to see Mrs. Sacks come back plastic hat-less after an ice cream run during the seventh inning stretch of a game recently. I gave her a pass though. She only got into baseball recently. She’s still learning.

Rule #5 Sit in your seats

There have been a number of new stadiums built in major league baseball over the past decade or so. These new state-of-the-art parks feature many exclusive “clubs” where people can hang out, eat and drink, and watch the games on television. These are fine places to hang out before and after the game, but during the game, I’ll be sitting in my seat, ordering a hot dog and beer and taking in the action.

Yet even during the game, so many people will just hang out at one of these places, away from the field and watch the game on television. I DON’T GET THAT. If I wanted to watch the game on television, I could just stay home and not have to deal with traffic and overpriced parking.

Rule #6 Refuse to do the wave

I HATE THE WAVE. The wave is for small children and casual fans that are bored by the fifth inning. All it does is block my view of the game. I don’t care how much you try and prod me to do the wave; I’m not getting up unless my team makes an exciting play. You are also encouraged to spread the word of this rule to your friends. TOGETHER WE CAN ELIMINATE THE WAVE FOREVER.

Rule #7 Get your jersey updated

When attending a baseball game, if you decide to wear a jersey please DO NOT wear a jersey of player that is no longer on the team. Don’t show up to Yankee Stadium with a Jason Giambi jersey or to an Indians game with a C.C. Sabathia jersey. If you spent $100 dollars or more for a jersey of your favorite player and he was traded or signed with another team, that’s tough shit—buy a new one or wear something else.

However, it is ok to wear an old player’s jersey if they are a fan favorite from years’ past. For example, a Kirby Puckett #34 Twins or a Gary Carter #8 Mets jersey is perfectly acceptable.

In this post, I will be listing a number of bullshit questions and answers. You’ll hear why it’s a stupid question, the bullshit response most people probably give, as well as the response most people are thinking but don’t actually say.

1. What is Your Greatest Weakness?
This is the king of bullshit questions at a job interview. In the history of job interviews, not a single person has ever told the truth. It’s a totally pointless question to ask because no one would ever give a straight answer. No one is going to be honest about their flaws on a job interview because that would severely hurt their chances of getting the job. You’re always told to say some crap you can turn into a strength such as…

What You Probably Said: I often push myself too hard. I don’t know how to balance my life because I’m a workaholic. I’m a perfectionist who has trouble accepting failure.

What You Were Really Thinking: Well let’s see. I’m really lazy. I usually stroll in to work at least 15 minutes late. I take long lunches and talk bad about my co-workers behind their backs. I am not willing to go the extra mile and I’ll spend most of my day going on Facebook and making personal phone calls.

2. Why Do You Want to Work Here? The interviewer wants to know if you’re passionate about the job you’re applying for or if you just want a job. More often than not, it’s the latter.

What you probably said: I’m looking for a new challenge in my life. This company has a strong reputation and I feel I would be a good fit here for many years to come.

What you were really thinking: Why the fuck you think I want this job? I’m broke and I need money. My last job sucked more than this one, so I quit on an impulse before I realized the repercussions of being unemployed. I want this job because you have an opening and I need a job. If I don’t get a job soon, my unemployment is going to run out and I will have to move back in with my parents.

You really think my passion in life to sit in some cubicle all day and push papers? You think I grew up dreaming of working here when I was a little boy? Nope. Truth is I fucked up my life and now I have to settle for working a meaningless, unfulfilling job that can provide me with the middle-class boring-ass lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to.

3. There’s a gap in your resume. It’s been some time since your last job. What have you been doing since then? The employer wants to know if you’ve been keeping busy since your last job. Makes sense—but if you haven’t been doing anything, you’ll have to make something up, such as…

What you probably said: I’ve been exploring my options and have been trying to find myself. I spent some time traveling overseas and visiting some relatives. It was a great experience for me but now I’m ready to get back to work.

What you were thinking: I’ve been milking those unemployment checks for as long as possible. I usually slept till 11 most days and woke up to watch the Price is Right. The rest of my day was typically spent masturbating and playing Halo 3 in my underwear. The only time I put on pants was to answer the door when my Domino’s Pizza arrived.

4. Where do you see yourself five years from now? The employer likely wants to see if you have long-term goals. Ideally if you’re goal-oriented you’ll make a better employee. This question is bullshit because everyone says they will have the perfect life five years from now.

What you probably said: I see myself working in upper management and helping this company continue to be successful. In my personal life, I hope to get married and start a family.

What you were thinking: I have no fucking clue what I’ll be doing five years from now. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week! God help me if I’m still working at this shitty job five years from now. If I am then I’ll probably be jumping off the nearest tall building. That’s probably where I’ll be.

5. Tell me about your proudest achievement: The employer wants to have an idea of what you achieved in your professional life. Not really a bullshit question, but there is plenty of bullshit in the answer.

What you probably said: At my previous job, I was able to meet my quota of 100 widgets sold for 12 months in a row. In two of those months I outsold some of the senior employees in our company.

What you were thinking: Probably when I was 17 and got a sweet blow job from one of the hottest girls in my high school…or maybe that time in college when I won ten straight games of beer pong. Man I was ON FIRE that night… Actually no… it’s neither of those. My proudest achievement was definitely when I was 8 years old and finally beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. It took me like a hundred tries but I finally did it. I was so proud of myself that day.

6. Are you willing to work overtime, nights and weekends if need be? This job may require some overtime and the interviewer wants to know if you are prepared to do so.

What you probably said: Absolutely. I want to do whatever it takes to be successful in this position. If that means working overtime or coming in on Saturday from time-to-time than so be it.

What you were thinking: NO FUCKING WAY am I willing to work nights and weekends.

7. Do you have any questions for me? Supposedly you should always have some questions prepared. That it way it makes you look like you are genuinely interested in the job.

What you probably said: Yes I do. Based on the interview today, are there any concerns you have in regards to my ability to perform this job?

What you were thinking: How much does it pay? How many vacation days will I get? Will I get dental? Were you serious about working nights and weekends? Does your hot secretary have a boyfriend?

8. Why did you leave your last job? The interviewer just wants to make sure you didn’t leave your previous job on a bad note.

What you probably said: Well…I just felt it was time for a change. I had been there for a few years and I was ready for a new challenge. There was little room for growth in the company and I want to move up in my field.

What you were thinking: My boss was a complete fucking asshole. I couldn’t stand that son-of-a-bitch. He made me work long hours for shitty pay and didn’t treat me with respect. All my co-workers were total LOSERS and I couldn’t stand to stay there another second. One day, I just lost it and told my boss to fuck off, stole all the office supplies I could carry, walked out the door and went straight to the bar to get loaded.

I hope this has helped to shed light on some of the difficult questions you may face when going on your next job interview. As long as you feed the interviewer bullshit, you should have a good chance of getting the job.

8 Signing up for a credit card
Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.

7 A tattoo (Of course)
The most obvious “Do it while you’re wasted, regret it forever,” slip-ups is getting inked. Not only does your drunkenness make you more vulnerable to seek out a skin kitchen when you have only “considered” purchasing body art before this point. The selection itself (four-leaf clover on your neck or “Exit Only” straddling the crack of your ass?) could also be detrimental. Even worse: the prospect of you mistaking a back alleyway for a tattoo shop and getting AIDs. We’ve heard horror stories.

6 Marriage
Speaking of which, we’re all familiar with the problematic booze-fueled Chapel visits — typically with a Las Vegas backdrop — followed by a late morning full of not-so-fun paperwork, confidence-draining embarrassment, and a horrible hangover. So let’s just move on to those other tiny, meaning-packed words.

5 Telling someone you love them (Aw!)
Liquid courage may make admitting your undying love for someone tempting. Try and avoid saying, “I love you,” to whoever that special person may be for the first time when you’re shitfaced. Even if they dig you too, slurred speech isn’t that flattering. Your confession will be better received when she can understand what you’re saying.

4 Having a threesome — with your girlfriend
Two random chicks? Go for it. Grab a rubber (or three) and have a blast. A blackout drunk ménage à trios may not be the best idea if it’s with your girl and another consenting soul, though. Expect heightened insecurities and petty fights for the following weeks. If you two talked about a three-way sounding like the best idea while stone-cold sober, and you know for a fact that she’s bi-whatever-they’re-calling-it-now or is turned on by the thought of two dicks near her person, you’re probably in the clear. Just discuss the fantasy and set some “ground rules” before you kill a bottle of tequila near a strip club together.

3 Sleeping with your coworker
Perhaps this actually seems like a brilliant idea and yes, you have in fact made the decision that if you are presented with the opportunity, you will surely sleep with said coworker. Don’t let a liver soaked with Jack Daniels fog your head. Run through the consequences one could face after jumping in the sack with a coworker: 1) Going to work may get more awkward/tense than it already is, 2) Going to work may now present itself with random acts of closeted, casual sex, or 3) Nothing, because you two have this sort of thing mastered. We can’t predict your future. Good luck…?

2 Purchasing a boat
Buying any sort of large item while under the influence that would put the cash-stricken layman in debt is probably not a good idea. The chance to purchase a boat for a small down payment could test your willpower. Especially if it has a the shrimp-collecting capabilities like Bubba and Forrest’s boat in Forrest Gump and an area for people to dance like on P. Diddy’s boat (name that reference!). Resist the urge to splurge and save some time figuring out how to, hypothetically, return a boat.

1 You’ll be the designated driver
And that’s our PSA for the day. Our good deed, if you will. Because we really need some good karma to make up for all of the horrible decisions we made after finishing a liter of vodka this past weekend.

1 People have been wearing things under there for a long time. The Otzi Man, found in 1991 in the Italian Alps, lived 5,300 years ago and was wearing a loincloth. In 1352 B.C., Pharaoh Tutankhamen was buried with myriad priceless objects — including 145 loincloths.

2 There’s no Otto Titzling, and he did not invent the bra. The fictional character in Wallace Reyburn’s 1971 novel “Bust Up: The Uplifting Tale of Otto Titzling and the Development of the Bra” has been taken for real in various places, including Trivial Pursuit.

3 Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura announced in a 1999 autobiography that he was a commando in more ways than one. The former Navy Seal and professional wrestler wrote that he didn’t wear underwear. Fruit of the Loom promptly sent him 12,000 pairs.

4 Madonna wasn’t the first to cause a scandal by wearing underwear for outerwear. Marie Antoinette reportedly shocked France by wearing a chemise to court. Prior to that, it was considered an undergarment.

5 There’s a huge market for used underwear — of the famous. John Kennedy’s GI boxers, Jackie Kennedy’s slip, Queen Victoria’s massive bloomers (50-inch waist!), as well as underwear once owned by Madonna, Michael Bolton, members of ZZ Top and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been sold for profit or to benefit charities. In 2000, Greek opera star Maria Callas’ belongings, including underwear, were auctioned off. A buyer identified only as a former Greek diva bought all of the underwear and promised to burn it to “preserve the honor and dignity” of the legend.

6 While governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton donated his used underwear to charity, valued it at $2 a piece and deducted it from his federal income taxes.

7 In 1856, some belles wore as many as 16 petticoats, a not inconsiderable weight. So the cage crinoline, an undergarment made of a series of lightweight steel or cane hoops that provided the same bell shape, was a boon. Though easier to wear, it wasn’t without its own problems. On windy days it could blow inside-out like an umbrella. And when a woman leaned forward, she had to be wary of how much her dress tipped up in back. And just moving around was tricky. Consider: The hoops could be nearly 6 feet in diameter.

8 What’s with King Henry VIII’s codpiece? The need for that piece of clothing came about because men’s hose at the time was actually two separate stockings with no crotch. As the tunic hemline rose, the chance for embarrassing viewings rose with it, thus the introduction of the codpiece. But by the early 1500s, it was the fashion to wear grossly oversized and bejeweled codpieces to flaunt one’s masculinity. They also doubled as pockets to carry valuables or even small weapons.

9 Just because a woman became pregnant didn’t mean she gave up her corset. Special pregnancy and nursing corsets were available.

10 Maidenform had a long-running ad slogan in the 1950s and ’60s that used the line, “I dreamed I (fill in the blank) in my Maidenform bra.” Some examples: “I dreamed I stopped traffic …,” “I dreamed I grabbed a bull by the horns …” and “I dreamed I was a social butterfly …” One pictured a woman in a boxing ring, wearing gloves, shorts and bra with the line, “I dreamed I was a knockout in my Maidenform bra.”

“No matter how fun or festive the work party is — it’s still a work function,” said Stacey Carroll, a professor at Western Washington University and a blogger for PayScale. “While family and friends tend to forgive your slip-ups — it’s different at work.”

A slip-up at the office holiday party can stay with you throughout your tenure at the company. In fact, nine out of 10 executives say workers’ office-party antics can affect a person’s career prospects, according to a recent survey by the staffing firm The Creative Group. What’s more, 14% of employees say they know someone who has been fired as a result of bad behavior at a holiday party, according to a separate survey by staffing firm Adecco.

So, make sure you’re on your best behavior this year to ensure that come review time, you’re on the boss’s nice list — not the naughty list.

Here are 10 things to avoid saying at this year’s office holiday party.

1. I love a free bar!

The biggest mistake most people make at work functions is drinking too much. Your best bet is to not drink at work functions but if you do — limit it to two drinks.

“When the drinks are flowing freely (literally) it’s hard to resist,” Carroll said. “But with every drink your decision-making abilities decline and that can lead to saying or doing things you’ll regret the next day.”

Announcing that you plan to drink a lot is just an engraved invitation to watch you self-destruct. And let’s just say, there are probably a lot of people who would gladly accept that invitation.

“Most holiday party nightmares have a single cause: too much alcohol,” said Marie McIntyre, a career coach and author of “Secrets to Winning at Office Politics.” “Imbibe too freely and you may not even remember how you destroyed your career!”

2. The food stinks. This company is so cheap!

You know how you like to make fun of the office whiner? Well, guess what? You just became him! Avoid being negative at the office party — save that talk for your spouse or roommate when you get home. You don’t need to be known as the office whiner and, more importantly, you don’t need the boss overhearing your negativity right before review time!

Remember, you tend to have to speak louder at parties to overcome the loud music and chatter. So, don’t say anything that you wouldn’t be willing to say on a loudspeaker or at the company staff meeting. Stay positive.

And bad news travels fast. If you say something like, “Surprise, surprise, management went with a cash bar,” that’s going to be repeated multiple times — and with your name attached to it, said Avi Karnani and the workplace experts at GetRaised.com. (i.e., “Ben heard that there’s only a cash bar” or “Did you hear? Ben said cash bar only.”) “There’s a good chance that someone at management level will catch it at least once — and it’ll be tagged to you.

“This is a festive event so even if the venue is cramped, the food is horrible and the ’80s music is, well ’80s music, put a smile on your face and show your holiday cheer,” advises Arden Clise, a business-etiquette consultant and etiquette columnist for the Puget Sound Business Journal.

3. You’re not as big of a jerk as I thought, boss!

This may seem hilarious at the time — but it almost definitely won’t be funny tomorrow.

When you’re in the office, it’s easy to stay in work mode but throw in free food and drink and it’s easy to step out of line.

“The next day, your boss is still your boss and those that report to you are still your responsibility,” Carroll said. “Don’t lose face with anyone by forgetting the ‘hierarchy’ while at the party.”

Remember: If a comedian bombs with a joke about an audience member, he goes on to the next show and probably never sees that person again. If you bomb with a joke about the boss, you have to see him the next day — and everyone else who heard it!

So be respectful of the boss — and your subordinates. Instead of cracking wise at their expense, try thanking them. Everyone likes to be appreciated — especially at the holidays!

4. Hey, how about those third-quarter numbers?

Remember that everyone here spends 40-plus hours at work so even though it’s the one thing you all have in common — try to keep the work talk to a minimum.

“Yes, it’s true work is the primary commonality you share with everyone in your company but it need not be the sole topic of conversation,” Karnani said. “The office holiday party is a chance to learn more about your co-workers in a relaxed (not too relaxed) atmosphere.”

Ask what they’ve been up to outside the office. Find out what they’re interested in. Share stories — and meet friends and family.

“Try talking about something other than work — it’ll feel refreshing!” Karnani said.

Remember that everyone gets uncomfortable at these things — even the executives. If you ask them questions about themselves, “they’ll be impressed by your interest in them,” Clise added.

You can also bring up current events, though listen to your mother and stay away from politics and religion!

5. Wasn’t this year’s holiday bonus a pleasant surprise?!

“No matter who you’re chatting with — a co-worker, your subordinates or even non-employees such as family, friends and guests — talking about bonuses, year-end raises and other compensation-related matters is at the top of the ‘What Not to Say at the Office Holiday Party’ list,” Karnani said.

First of all, you don’t know that everyone got a raise so if the people you’re talking to didn’t — then you just look like a jerk. Second, it opens up the floor to the next question — how much did you get? If you got more, or the other guy got more, one way or the other — it’s going to ruin someone’s night.

Likewise, this isn’t the time to needle the boss for a raise. Remember, he’s trying to let his hair down and mingle with the people, so let him mingle and have fun — don’t put him on the spot.

As a rule of thumb, Karnani said, “Steer clear of all monetary conversation.”

6. You remember Jim, who left to go work for our biggest competitor? Guess what he’s making now?

In one fell swoop, you’ve just managed to make the people you’re talking to feel bad about themselves and possibly think about leaving and, depending on how loud you’re talking, tick off the boss.

“Talking about how the competition is paying their employees is dicey,” Karnani said. “Don’t talk about it — especially at the holiday party where the walls have ears.”

Even if the boss didn’t overhear you at the party, by the time the rumor that “Ben said Jim is making xyz” circulates, there’s a very good chance it’ll get back to the boss and you, like Lucy, will have some ’splaining to do.

7. Did you hear about the whole Jenn-Mike thing?

Oh how we love office gossip! Especially when it involves an office romance.

But just don’t do it.

“Participating in office gossip is never a good thing,” Karnani said. “It’s an even worse idea while at the office holiday party.”

You never know if Jenn and/or Mike is nearby or one of their good friends is listening. Or, if the boss overheard you — and now you’ve just made yourself look bad and possibly gotten Jenn and Mike in trouble.

“You don’t know who will relay your comments,” Karnani cautioned.

Instead, say something like, “Wow, aren’t these little pizzas delicious?”

If someone circulates that (”Ben said those little pizzas are delicious”) — you’re totally in the clear!

8. Who’s hotter: Ashley or Jessica?

This next one may seem harmless because, unlike Jenn and Mike, Ashley and Jessica didn’t actually do anything. You’re just making conversation and, let’s face it, Ashley and Jessica are hot, right?

Just stop right there. If you have reached the point in the evening where you have turned the topic of conversation to co-workers’ hotness, it’s probably time to go home before you put your job in jeopardy and get slapped with a sexual-harrasment lawsuit.

We’re all human, so it’s OK to acknowledge that Ashley and Jessica are hot — just make sure it’s part of your inner monologue, not an outer dialogue!

9. I never knew you were so cute!

If you’ve moved past talking about the hotness of people on the other side of the room and onto the hotness of the person in front of you, this is a dead giveaway that a) you have had too much to drink and b) you need to leave immediately.

If you are saying this to the boss’s wife then see b) you need to leave immediately, and also c) RUN!

Head to the nearest bar to discuss the cuteness of a stranger whom you will not be seeing at 9 a.m. tomorrow (and the next day and the next day) or, better yet, go home.

10. I quit!

Ah, the holidays. It’s a time for giving, sharing — and telling it like it is. Something in the egg nog, maybe, that just makes us all a little more honest — makes us just want to lay all of our cards down on the table and yell, “Ha!”

Look, no one will argue with you if you say you’re unhappy with your job or even if you say you want to quit. Just don’t do it at the holiday party. Not only will you likely regret it tomorrow, but it’s a story that all of your co-workers — and maybe some strangers, thanks to YouTube— will be telling for years.

If you want to quit, do it tomorrow or, better yet – after the new year when you’ve had a chance to send out a few resumes and figure out what you’re going to do next.

Speaking of tomorrow, don’t call in sick, OK? That just says to everyone that you’re a lightweight and couldn’t handle bringing back a bucket of ice, nevermind bringing in new clients. It’ll make them think twice about sending you on a business trip or dinner with a client.

“The bottom line is that you should think of the office party as a big, informal staff meeting where you dress in fancy clothes. If you wouldn’t do it at a staff meeting, then don’t do it at the holiday gala,” McIntyre said.

So, quick recap:

Two drinks. Mingle. Be positive. Especially to the boss. And when your co-workers start to look attractive, it’s time to go.

Happy Holidays!

Nobody noticed the Jewish symbol until someone found it in Google Maps. The building—which hosts their national airline at the Mehrabad International Airport—was built by Israeli engineers before the 1979 Islamic Revolution. The star has been hidden in plain sight for more than four decades now.

It won’t stay there for much longer. According to The Jerusalem Post, Iranian government officials have already ordered its destruction.