I’ve attended my fair share of baseball games over the years and every time I go, I always see some actions by other fans that get under my skin. Some people just don’t know the right way to watch a baseball game. When I go to games with Mrs. Sacks or my brother, I complain about these things constantly. I guess I just can’t understand how people don’t enjoy the game as much as me.

Because of this, I’ve created some rules to inform you less-passionate baseball fans out there the proper way to attend a ball game.

Rule #1: Leaving the game early is not allowed (There are only a few exceptions to this rule)

I cannot understand how people can leave a game early—especially a game that is still in question. How can you watch eight innings of a game and not see the final outcome? That’s like going to see a Broadway play and then leaving during intermission. Don’t you want to see what happens? You paid all this money. Why not get your money’s worth!?

Unlike other sports, there is no clock in baseball. The winning team has to record 27 outs. So technically, no deficit is impossible to overcome. You never know when you could be missing a historic comeback. As a very smart Yankees fan said to me at a game recently, “I don’t leave until I hear Sinatra.” Wiser words have never been spoken

As I mentioned, there are a few exceptions to this rule:

Exception #1: You have small children.
After three hours of sitting in the same seat, your children have probably lost complete interest in the game and are likely misbehaving and annoying the crap out of you. If it’s gotten to this point, you have a free pass to leave the game early.

Exception #2: The game goes into a long rain delay with your favorite team trailing by eight or more runs in the eighth inning on a freezing cold day in April, in which it’s likely the umpires will call the game early.
Those are the only two exceptions. Extra innings, traffic and getting up early are not acceptable reasons for leaving a game early.

Rule #2: Grown men should not bring a glove to the game

If you’re over the age of 18 you should no longer bring your glove to the game. There’s something so emasculating about a grown man sitting in the upper deck, pounding his glove, hoping for a souvenir off the bat of a 20 year-old ball player. I’ve never caught a ball in my life and this bothers me immensely but I’m still not bringing a glove to a game.

I can recall an instance where I probably would have gotten my first souvenir if I had a glove. It was a few years ago and I was in Philadelphia for a Mets/ Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park. We were sitting just to the right of the foul pole in the left field seats.

Prior the game, I made fun of a buddy of mine for bringing his glove to the game. Shortly after, Carlos Gomez (then with the Mets) hit a deep fly ball to left that hooked foul at the last moment. The ball was heading just to my right, about two seats over. I dived over my wife (then girlfriend) and reached out for the ball. It hit off my palm and landed in the hands of the guy behind me. It was a difficult grab to make bare handed but very makeable with a glove. My buddy—seeing an opportunity to get back at me for my earlier comments—said to me, “If you had a glove you would have caught it.” I replied, “Probably. But I still don’t regret it.”

Rule #3 NO PINK HATS!!!

This one I cannot stress enough. Men should not allow their girl to accompany them to the game wearing a pink hat with the logo of their favorite team. This problem is particularly prevalent among perennial winners, such as the Yankees or Red Sox.

If your girl shows up to the game with a pink hat: DUMP HER. It’s like Sonny’s test in “A Bronx Tale”. It’s a sure-fire way to tell if a girl is no good. My last girlfriend before I met my wife wore a pink Yankees hat in my presence. I was furious and demanded she take it off instantly. I should have known at that point it was never going to work out.

Rule #4 If you purchase ice cream during the game, you must purchase it in the souvenir plastic cap. No other type of ice cream purchase is acceptable.

This one seems to a no-brainer to me. YOU HAVE TO eat the ice cream out of the little plastic hat. I can’t really explain it, but it makes ice cream even more enjoyable than usual. I was stunned to see Mrs. Sacks come back plastic hat-less after an ice cream run during the seventh inning stretch of a game recently. I gave her a pass though. She only got into baseball recently. She’s still learning.

Rule #5 Sit in your seats

There have been a number of new stadiums built in major league baseball over the past decade or so. These new state-of-the-art parks feature many exclusive “clubs” where people can hang out, eat and drink, and watch the games on television. These are fine places to hang out before and after the game, but during the game, I’ll be sitting in my seat, ordering a hot dog and beer and taking in the action.

Yet even during the game, so many people will just hang out at one of these places, away from the field and watch the game on television. I DON’T GET THAT. If I wanted to watch the game on television, I could just stay home and not have to deal with traffic and overpriced parking.

Rule #6 Refuse to do the wave

I HATE THE WAVE. The wave is for small children and casual fans that are bored by the fifth inning. All it does is block my view of the game. I don’t care how much you try and prod me to do the wave; I’m not getting up unless my team makes an exciting play. You are also encouraged to spread the word of this rule to your friends. TOGETHER WE CAN ELIMINATE THE WAVE FOREVER.

Rule #7 Get your jersey updated

When attending a baseball game, if you decide to wear a jersey please DO NOT wear a jersey of player that is no longer on the team. Don’t show up to Yankee Stadium with a Jason Giambi jersey or to an Indians game with a C.C. Sabathia jersey. If you spent $100 dollars or more for a jersey of your favorite player and he was traded or signed with another team, that’s tough shit—buy a new one or wear something else.

However, it is ok to wear an old player’s jersey if they are a fan favorite from years’ past. For example, a Kirby Puckett #34 Twins or a Gary Carter #8 Mets jersey is perfectly acceptable.

Customers like us are essential to the operations of a gym as no fitness club in the world would be able to accommodate every one of the customers on its rolls if they all decided to show up at once for a good sweat. They depend on people taking out expensive yearly contracts out of guilt and a desire not to have a stroke by winter, visit a few times, and then forget all about it. It should be noted too that many fitness clubs if not the vast majority are affiliated with criminal enterprise, as signing a load of bogus names up for memberships is a good way of laundering money.

While the prospect of being mobile after the age of 40 does hold a certain allure, gyms are simply not the kind of places we enjoy visiting on a regular basis. Fitness clubs have an artificial feel to them, created as they were to help keep our muscles from atrophying in the way that honest labor used to before the age of cubicles and repetitive strain injuries. They wouldn’t be so bad though if they were just big empty rooms full of exercise equipment and posters of people who in no way resemble you. To quote Charles Bukowski quoting John Paul Sartre: “Hell is other people. Right on and through the target.” Other people ruin the gym experience, and they are all of a type. Here are the Top 10 People You See at the Gym!

10. The criminal

Along with strip clubs, auto mechanic’s garages and roofer conventions, gyms are a great place for your average Joe to meet criminals. As mentioned above, fitness clubs are a popular choice of business for criminals looking to put a bit of an honest sheen on their filthy lucre and as such they are often full of criminals. Ever notice that grunting guy with no neck who is there no pumping iron at different times every day and seems to have no regular work? Chances are he has at one point in the not too distant past caused the loose change to fall out of someone’s pockets by dangling them upside-down off the side of a balcony or strong-armed someone with debts incurred along perv row.

9. Mr (or Mrs) Multimedia

This guy has spent too much money on his electronic devices not to use them every waking moment of his life. Not wanting to risk being alone with his own thoughts for even a moment, Mr Multimedia can be seen with earphones in, chatting obnoxiously away on his iPhone or entering a more detailed musical program into the device than the collected works of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

8. The button pusher.

A close cousin of Mr Multimedia, the button pusher will oversee the pecking of the treadmill console as if he’s landing a 747 in heavy fog. None of the preset settings meet his exacting standards, and he will often temper his pace to facilitate his use of the controls.

7. The overzealous trainer.

Unless you’re Oprah-rich and are able to hire one to come home with you and snatch sandwiches out of your clutches, it’s unlikely that you’ll have much use for a personal trainer. In fact, most gyms trainers could be replaced by a poster beside each machine showing how to use it in a way that physically benefits you the most and that will not result in something heavy falling on your toes. But there is always the overzealous trainer at all gyms, someone who makes Burgess Meredith’s approach to training Rocky seem downright coddling. Supposedly, they are good for motivation, but we can’t think of anything that would motivate us out the door quicker than some guy with a squeeze water bottle trying to get us to do another 10 ab crunches.

6. The undiscovered talent.

The standard here to be seen type. This can either be a man or a woman at the gym in the hopes of finding bed company, or someone who thinks his physique has developed to the point that merely displaying it in public will somehow get him a bodybuilding contract and his own line of dodgy exercise equipment.

5. The groaner.

Usually seen with a weight-belt, the groaner sweats like he’s been kidnapped by Al Qaeda and is about as congenially disposed. About the size of your average Pamplona bull and as single-minded, the groaner will bench press his weight, your weight and the crushing weight of his latent sexual frustrations—and often drop dumbbells to the floor once he’s done enough reps. Steer clear of the groaner, unless there is some piece of equipment that is pinning down one of your extremities and he’s within earshot of your blood-curdling screams.

4. The naked guy.

Seems to have signed up for a gym membership just so he can stroll around naked in the changeroom like an emperor at the Roman baths.

3. The sweat hog.

A human backed up toilet of perspiration, the sweater will have to wipe down the equipment after merely standing over it.

2. The geek.

Wears a fanny pack, socks pulled up to his thighs and a headband that screams “let’s get physical”, which, as far as we’re concerned means fightin’ words and an elbow to the face.

1. The newbie.

Comes in around the first week of January, tears a muscle and undergoes the kind of rehab that keeps steroid-abusing NFLers in such high demand during the regular season.

But the fact is, golf would be a lot better if there weren’t so many golfers. What should be a relaxing weekend day away from the rut of life can quickly turn into frustrating, club-snapping aggravation thanks to some of the yahoos out there who treat the course like an extension of their living rooms.

We’ve all seen them. We’ve all been stuck behind them. We’ve all wanted to drive them over with a golf cart.

Me, I’ve kept a list of them. And better yet, I’ve given them nicknames:

Marvelous Marvin Waggler: This is the guy who spends an hour and a half at the tee box going through a pre-shot routine that would make Nomar Garciaparra proud. Between getting his feet settled, a half-dozen practice swings and 23 waggles of the club and his butt, you could easily knit an afghan or get through a few chapters of One Hundred Years of Solitude. What’s worse, his deathly painful slowness often forces you to speed up in order to compensate, which usually screws up your game, too.


Zippy McZig-Zag: Some people shouldn’t be given the keys to a golf cart. Zippy is the guy who drives up to his ball on the lefthand side of the fairway, hits it 10 yards, drives to the opposite side of the fairway so his partner can hit, and then zips back to the left for his next shot. He gets to take in every inch of the course … literally. The end result is a dead cart battery at the end of a round and a five-hour day for the group behind him. Thanks a lot.


Hawkeye: This is the guy who never watches the landing of his own ball, and goes about shouting for its whereabouts to everyone in his group, regardless of where they are or who might be addressing the ball on an adjacent fairway. Dude, if you can’t find it yourself, toss another one out and actually pay attention next time.


The Weekend Warrior: This guy looks like he should be in the PGA in terms of wardrobe and equipment, but he sure doesn’t play like it. He’s spent $2,000 on Titleist blades, the latest TaylorMade drivers and a Tiger Woods shirt, but golf lessons? Bah. Worst of all, you end up getting dirty pulling his endless errant shots out of the bush because he’s apparently afraid to scuff those new FootJoys.


The English Impatient: So you’re in the middle of the fairway waiting for the group ahead of you to putt out, and suddenly a ball goes bounding past you. I guess this is The English Impatient’s way of showing you how great a driver he is, but it’s flat out rude to hit into a group when there’s nowhere to go anyways. What are you going to do, drive ahead of us to your ball and wait for us to play through? My rule of thumb with The English Impatient is that I let him get away with it once. The second time, I’ll mush his ball into the turf. The third time, either the ball is going back or I’m going back to feed him my driver.


PGA Putz: A close relative of Marvelous Marvin Waggler, this is the guy who spends 15 minutes lining up his putt as if sinking it means winning the U.S. Open. He looks at the putt from all four directions, he’s down on all fours, he’s straight-arming his putter. And he doesn’t start this routine until it’s his turn to putt, making everyone else stand and watch the entire production. When it’s a 60-footer for a seven on the scorecard, by the third hour of watching it you’re ready to gnaw on a sand rake.


Ronald Reagan: This is in reference to “the great communicator,” and is the nickname of the guy who just can’t shut up when you’re addressing the ball. I’m not sure what’s so important to yak about while I’m swinging, but it had better be a plea to Gorbachev to “tear down that wall.” Worse yet is Stuttering Reagan, who stops talking in mid-sentence to allow you to swing and then resumes right after contact. How you’re supposed to mentally block out the tail end of that sentence while you’re taking your backswing is a talent I have not mastered.


Dial-A-Cliché: This is the guy who has no real insight to contribute beyond the same, tired lines we’ve all heard a thousand times, including such gems as “That’s on the short stuff,” “You got all of that one,” or my personal favourite: “You’re on the dance floor.” Geez, thanks for the riveting observations there, Johnny Miller.

You see, like driving a car and sharing the road, we’ve all got to share a golf course. So we all need to be a little less self-centered and more observant and respectful of those around us.

It’s a simple game. There’s a ball, a club, and a giant piece of grass between you and the hole. If we focus on the task at hand it makes for a much better experience and lets us all get back to enjoying the precious summer day and that warm sun’s embrace.

AFC First Round: Jacksonville Jaguars at Pittsburgh Steelers

Jaguars talking points: Don’t know anything about the 11-5 Jaguars? You’re not alone: Not a single Jaguar made the Pro Bowl this year, despite stellar seasons by quarterback David Garrard, running back Fred Taylor, and wideout Reggie Williams. If your jaded East Coast buddies dub the Jaguars “sleepers,” look like an insider by citing Garrard’s third-in-the-NFL passer rating and running back Maurice Jones-Drew’s nine rushing touchdowns as signs of Jacksonville’s superiority. Then look like a prick by wagging your pointer finger and saying, “Sleepers? Sleepers? You’re the one who’s been sleeping, my friend!”

Historical context: Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio is best known for inadvertently inspiring punter Chris Hanson to mutilate his own foot with an ax as part of a motivational ploy gone horribly wrong. If Del Rio announces his intentions to bring the hammer down on the Steelers this weekend, take the man very, very seriously.

Conversation starter: “If David Garrard played in New York, he would be a superstar.”

Conversation stopper: “If Eli Manning played in Jacksonville, he would still suck.”

Steelers talking points: The Steelers literally limped into the playoffs after losing several key players to injuries, including star running back Willie Parker. Most of the experts will focus on whether backup Najeh Davenport can match Parker’s production and field presence. You, however, are savvy enough to note that the outcome of the game depends on whether third-string left tackle Trai Essex knows how to pass block. Student of line play that you are, you know that a good left tackle is the key to a good passing game, and that the Steelers will win or lose based on how well emergency starter Essex protects Ben Roethlisberger’s blind side.

Historical context: Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl in 2006, capping off the career of legendary running back Jerome “The Bus” Bettis. Although you should feel free to come up with your own motor-vehicle-related nicknames for current Steelers players, be warned that referring to Ben Roethlisberger as “The Motorcycle” will draw the ire of any Pittsburgh fan who’s had at least three cans of Iron City.

Conversation starter: “Former head coach Bill Cowher was 34 when he started in Pittsburgh. Current head coach Mike Tomlin was 35. The Steelers must have a thing for young coaches.”

Conversation stopper: “And so do I!”

AFC First Round: Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers

Titans talking points: Nobody knows if injured QB Vince Young will play this Sunday. Despite the fact that Kerry Collins led the team to victory in last week’s must-win game against the Colts, nobody wants the journeyman backup to be the one moving the chains—he’s old, immobile, and unlikely to inspire the Titans’ already-lackluster offense. Old-school fan that you are, point out that if Young sits, the Titans will win or lose on the strength of defenders like David Thornton, Albert Haynesworth, and Kyle Vanden Bosch. Tell your friends that according to the statistical mavens at Football Outsiders, the Titans rank first in the NFL in defensive DVOA. If your friends ask what DVOA stands for, immediately start chanting, “DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE!”

Historical context: The Titans have made the playoffs five times since moving to Tennessee in 1997. This does not mean that you should leave your wife, change your name, and hop the next bus to Nashville in a last-ditch attempt to get your sorry life back on track.

Conversation starter: “Vince Young, Kerry Collins … does it really matter who runs the offense when your best receiver is Justin Gage?”

Conversation stopper: “You say that bus to Tennessee leaves when?”

Chargers talking points: Although he carried the Chargers into the playoffs, running back LaDainian Tomlinson didn’t have the monster season that fantasy football freaks expected. If your fantasy-playing friends complain that L.T. only had 15 rushing touchdowns this year, set them straight by noting that every team in the league would love to have a run-it-catch-it-throw-it stud who never gets hurt, never complains, never makes mistakes, and never fails to put his team in a position to win. This will provide little solace to the proprietor of the Beantown Ballerz, who traded you L.T. for Rob Bironas back in Week 7.

Historical context: Despite their recent dominance in the AFC West, the Chargers have not won a playoff game since 1994. Some San Diegans blame this on the Curse of Ryan Leaf. World-class analyst Joe Buck insists that the Chargers always lose because Billy Beane’s shit doesn’t work in the playoffs.

Conversation starter: “Chris Chambers might not score many TDs, but his presence on the field draws defenders away from Tomlinson and Antonio Gates. Best midseason pickup ever.”

Conversation stopper: “Fantasy football? Let me tell you about some of my fantasies.”

NFC First Round: Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

Redskins talking points: A disappointing 5-7 in early December, the Redskins banded together after the shooting death of safety Sean Taylor to win four games in a row and make the postseason. While sportswriters like Michael Wilbon have the rest of your party convinced that the Redskins are a team of destiny, you know that “momentum” means little when it’s propelled by Todd Collins, a 36-year-old backup quarterback whose throwing arm will be reclaimed by Mr. Applegate any day now. Strike a blow for rationality when you note that without Clinton Portis’ solid season and stellar December, the Redskins wouldn’t have a chance.

Historical context: This will be Washington’s second playoff appearance since Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs came out of retirement to rejoin the team in 2004. If they lose on Sunday, owner Daniel Snyder will probably fire Gibbs and redouble his efforts to resurrect the corpse of George Allen.

Conversation starter: “Santana Moss gets all the press, but tight end Chris Cooley is the Redskins’ best receiver.”

Conversation stopper: “You know, some of those Hogettes are pretty cute.”

Seahawks talking points: The Seahawks won the NFC West in unconvincing fashion—although QB Matt Hasselbeck made the Pro Bowl, the team’s running game is anemic and its defense is only mediocre. Their best player is probably linebacker Lofa Tatupu, and although you regret that laffmaster Frank Caliendo won’t be around this weekend to spin comic gold from that name, you know there’s nothing funny about 109 tackles and four interceptions. Tatupu, cornerback Marcus Trufant, and the rest of the Hawks’ defense will have to pressure the Redskins’ Collins to keep their team in the game.

Historical context: Here’s a fun fact: Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren played for Redskins coach Joe Gibbs when Gibbs was an assistant at USC in 1969. Holmgren called Gibbs “coach.” Gibbs called the mustachioed Holmgren “that goddamn hippie.”

Conversation starter: “Seattle sure could buy a lot of healthy running backs with Shaun Alexander’s $62 million contract.”

Conversation stopper: “Or they could sign Ryan Plackmeier to an 80-year deal. You know, just to be funny.”

NFC First Round: New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Giants talking points: Despite what Giants management might want you to believe, having the last name Manning doesn’t mean that you’re any good at playing quarterback. Eli Manning has been horrible this year, tossing 20 interceptions, fumbling 13 times, and completing a mere 56.1 percent of his passes—all numbers at or near the bottom for NFL starting quarterbacks. Lucky for him, he could always hand the ball off to Brandon Jacobs, who averaged five yards per carry this season, only one-tenth of a yard less than Tiki Barber averaged last year. Jacobs and receiver Plaxico Burress have carried the offense all season, and they’ll have to do it again this weekend against Tampa Bay’s furious defense.

Historical context: Tiki Barber retired after last season to pursue a career as a television personality, autobiographer, and foppish dandy. You, along with the rest of Giants Nation, are praying that Jacobs doesn’t follow Barber’s lead and abruptly quit the team to join the cast of Celebrity Apprentice.

Conversation starter: “Tampa’s defense is good, but Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan will be the best two defensive players on the field this Sunday.”

Conversation stopper: “Fire Isiah!”

Bucs talking points: By all rights, any team that starts 37-year-old Jeff Garcia at QB, Ike “I’m Still in the League?” Hilliard at WR, and somebody named Earnest Graham at RB should win no more than three games—four if they play the Falcons twice. Good thing that Tampa’s defense, which allows only 278.4 yards per game, is championship caliber. You know that the best old man on the Buccaneers roster isn’t Garcia—it’s linebacker Derrick Brooks, who led the team in solo tackles in his 13^th season.

Historical context: Back when men with swords and eye patches ruled the high seas, buccaneers such as Henry Morgan and Rock Braziliano were infamous for plundering royal ships, ravaging innocent women, and throwing drunks in the scuppers with the hosepipe on ‘em. To honor this period in history, the Bucs franchise has installed a 103-foot-long pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium. Terrify your friends by saying that Jon “Crazy Eyes” Gruden bunks on the ship during the off-season, emerging only for the NFL draft and to frighten the local school children who come to visit on field trips.

Conversation starter: “Do the Bucs miss the injured Cadillac Williams? Yes. Does that mean he’s any good? No.”

Conversation stopper: “Luke McCown is really just Cade McNown with a fake moustache, right? Right?”

By Justin Peters
Mirrored from Slate